A new page

I have went to church as far back as I can remember. My Grandmother used to take us. By us I mean me, my brother and sisters and cousins. She made sure we got to church on Sunday mornings one way or another. Thinking back, I'm not sure how, all of us in one car, but I guess that was before people were really concerned with carseats and seatbelts. The begining of my walk with Christ definately started in that little church in Lakeville, with all those people who found it difficult to get our names right, there were so many of us so close in age.. I always found that rather amusing. I remember Sunday morning dress-up, going into Grandma & Grandpa's bedroom and sorting through the jewelry box for the right necklace to compliment my dress. I loved wearing Grandma's necklaces, most of which would be classified as costume jewelry nowadays. We'd have breakfast with Grandma, almost always a hot breakfast. She was and still is an amazing woman, of course I didn't realize it back then. Knowing what being a mom is now makes her seem like superwoman now looking back, and she did it with 4-8 grandchildren running around the house! After breakfast we would head out to the church. Sunday school then service upstairs.
The early years of Sunday school were in the little rooms partitioned by the sliding walls at the bottom of the stairs. A bible story and some crafts, fun times. As we got older, we moved to the classrooms thru the door on the left at the bottom of the stairs, in the kitchen area. We were away from the crafts, and moved to Bible lessons and discussions. Eventually, I made it to the teen class, and we held our classes in the parsonage next door to the church. Debbie and Devon were our teachers there. Many good discussions and revelations were made in that little house. After Sunday school, it was upstairs to listen to the Reverend preach. We had to sit next to Grandma, or the row ahead of her. You didn't dare act up or doze off, or Grandma wasn't afraid to bop you on the back of the head. I'm sure that's why she kept us all within arms reach. I went through a lot in my childhood, but the Church was the one constant thing, there every Sunday, always with welcoming arms (even if they got my name wrong). Summer church picnics, AG Church camp at Lake Placid, Christmas programs, and trips with our youth group were always a bright spot in my year leaving wonderful memories.
Lakeville Trinity gave me my spiritual foundation. As many good memories and morals that I have from attending church there, I never felt as much of a part of the church as I would have liked. In my later teenage years, I strayed away. I would go to church on occasion, when I wasn't working or sleeping in to make up for working late the night before. I was in a dark time of my life, confused, probably slightly depressed, surrounded by not-so-good influences. I held my own and kept to many of my deep-rooted morals, but failed in other areas. I looked for comfort and an escape from a boyfriend who wasn't a very good person instead of turning to God. The longer I was with him, the further away from God I went, although he was always there in the back of my mind and trying to turn my heart back down the right path.
Eventually I had my first child and I wanted so bad to get back to church and give her the same faith-based roots I'd had as a child. I tried to go back a few times, but felt out of place and very guilty for having a child out of wedlock. I felt as though I was being judged and that I'd fallen very short of the teachings of my church. I was never comfortable there again. Our minister retired and a new, younger minister came. Nothing felt the same as before. Much of it was due to my own inner-termoil. I had fallen away from Christ, and the devil had put doubt and fear into my heart. I spent a few years attending on occasion, eventually married that boyfriend, and found out we were expecting our second child the next spring. Two months into that pregnancy, he did the best thing he could ever have done for me aside from my two beautiful children. He came home on a Thursday evening and told me he was leaving me. He didn't want the responsibility of a family anymore. At the time I cried and thought I was falling to peices. Little did I know it was the beginning, not the end, of my new life, both earthly and spiritually.
I remember praying during that time for God to renew me and show me the way my life was supposed to go. I would read my Bible from time to time and wait for God to do his work. I was on the right path, but at a crawl instead of a run. I moved to Indianapolis, away from everything I'd known for the last 23 years, with a newborn and a three year old in tow. All the while fighting a nasty divorce with a man who didn't care who or what he hurt. After a month of crying myself to sleep at night, not knowing how my life was going to turn out or how I would raise those precious babies on my own, God's answer was revealed.
It didn't come in a brilliant revolation or flash of light. I didn't even recognize it at God's answer at that time. Did you know God was internet savy? I guess it makes sense, since he created everything. Through a pop-up ad, for laughs, I got the inclination to fill out a Yahoo personals profile on New Years Eve and searched through profiles of other local singles. The search parameters defaulted to either 50 or 60 miles, I can't remember exactly. I had been resetting it to 5-10 miles whenever starting a new search. A profile came up for a man with children, attended church regularly, non-smoker, many of the traits that I'd been searching for. Now, I wasn't looking for a relationship, my divorce was yet to be finalized. I was looking for laughs, maybe even to find someone to just talk to. I'd been really lonely and didn't have many people to talk to, even at work. I sent him an 'ice breaker', a one line pre-set message. Without paying for the service, that was the only contact I had. I went on looking through profiles and eventually fell asleep for the evening.
The next evening, I had a short message back from Patrick, but he was not online at that time. I sent him a message and went to bed. The following evening, January 2, 2004, we chatted on Yahoo for the first time. I would eventually find that he was God's gift to me and my girls, the answer to why I'd been through everything in my past. Over time, we talked online, then met in person and fell deeply in love. We tried to see each other every opportunity we had and eventually he asked me and the girls to move in with him. I started attending Church at Raleigh Christian Church with him. I never once felt out of place or judged, even though I was a divorced, 24 year old single mom, living with a man I was not married to. My spiritual life was taking a turn for the better.
It was not easy at first, I still have difficult days, but my walk has picked up pace, and I have a walking partner. I have become more active in the church as the years have progressed, teaching Sunday School even. My children attend with us every Sunday and they have started their walk with God, and that pleases me.
The last few months I've started to desire more in my spiritual life. There is an awakening in me telling me that there is something still missing. I feel like a child wanting more knowledge. More, more, more. I find myself reading books, getting out my bible more, wanting to soak up anything available. Each book I read or speach I hear tells me there is still more out there for me to know. I've spent my life wanting to be the best person I can be, only to be dissappointed in myself when I fail to meet my own expectations.
I'm turning a new page in my spiritual life, trying to let God lead me and set my goals, walk me through each step. I cannot be the mother I want to be by myself. Nor can I be the wife I picture myself as being without Him. I have to let him help me to shed that baggage from my life and work towards being the daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend I want to be. I want to be a better teacher,a better daycare provider, a better woman overall, but I need to remind myself daily that only through Jesus and his Father can I strive to be what I've failed to be on my own for 29 years. Hopefully, through this, I can be an example to my children, and the light of God will shine through me to others. It isn't easy, I struggle everyday with the frustrations of life, kids, family, household things, work, friends, and community. I have a long way to go, the road is going to be rough. But I know it's just the devil throwing stones in my path, trying to make me give up and turn around. I pray that my journey will end at the gates of Heaven, and I will leave behind memories of a woman who shined a light on the world. Could we ask for anymore than that?